A FALSE START










On 1st September I wrote a post all about new beginnings. About the magical feeling I get when the month of September looms. To me, it's a month that promises new chapters, fresh energy, and therefore, a wealth of possibility.

And today, half way through what is really my favourite month of the year, I can't help but feel a profound sense of epic disappointment.

In just a few days, the hope and expectation that I had has been quickly extinguished by set back after set back, and I've been left feeling weary spirited, rather jaded and very, very tired. 

I'm happy to admit that I'm often guilty of dramatising. I know this in itself is symptomatic of depression and anxiety, but it doesn't make it any less hard to cope with or any less instrumental in the way I process and handle situations. Over the past few days, I've been frequently left with the same big question running through my mind: 'why is everything going wrong?'

I think it can be very easy when things start to go wrong to feel as though there is no point trying to move forward. It can also be very easy to slip back into bad habits and negative thinking patterns, because its comforting and familiar, and because changing and bettering yourself is not just hard, but scary, too. 

Setting yourself high targets and big goals is good, but we must always be wary of our old friend perfectionism. The perfectionist in you, when good, pushes you to do better, to raise the bar and to set a higher standard. But don't forget the flip side, the side that tells you that nothing you do is good enough, or that you should be achieving more. It's a fine line, and tricky to strike the right balance, and when we experience set backs, it's especially likely that it'll be that negative perfectionist energy that dominates your attitude. 

But then there's that little thing called perspective. I'm not the biggest fan of the advice to always put things into perspective, because I think sometimes it can do more harm than good and suggests that your own struggles or hardships are somehow less valid. But every so often, keeping in mind the bigger picture can help. What may feel like a series of colossal setbacks can suddenly seem surmountable, and picking yourself up and dusting yourself off feels like a more achievable goal. 

So, after a couple of days of intense wallowing and overthinking, I'm trying to reboot. I'm trying to keep in mind the bigger picture. I'm beginning to understand that in life, we're constantly learning, and relearning. I feel tired of constantly having these inner battles, of falling into old negative behaviours I thought I had overcome, but then I remember the bigger picture, I remember that if I've overcome setbacks once, I can do so again, and I re-teach myself that very important lesson: to go easy on yourself, because unfortunately, life isn't easy, indeed, more often than not, it's pretty fucking hard, and all we can do is pick ourselves up every single time we trip up to again strive for those experiences that make it all worthwhile. 

So I'm chalking this one up as a false start. The month of September has let me down, and hasn't been the fresh start that I wanted or expected. But I'm determined to restart. I'm determined to drag myself out of bed, to dust myself off, to accept the setbacks I've been given and to try again.

Until next time, 
Bisous <3

Eva
xxx

OUTFIT DETAILS: 

Dress: Warehouse x Shrimps 
Bag: JW Anderson
Shoes: Topshop
Headband: Ebay

What's your opinion?

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