Ever wondered if your emotional baggage is making you undesirable? Because I do.

In my experience, boys will be interested for a period of time, and then after a bit of time they're bored, they lose interest, and you know what? I'd really love to know why. Perhaps they find someone else. Perhaps I play too hard to get, and don't register my own interest enough. Perhaps they simply just change their mind.

But aside from all this, I can't help but wonder how much of this is down to what I will term my 'emotional baggage' if you will. Under this umbrella I include my mental health conditions, my chronic low self-esteem, lack of confidence and insecurity. I reveal a lot on my blog. It only takes a quick google to find this online space. I wonder how many potential suitors have found this space, and how this has changed their perception of me. Ultimately, I wonder if what I reveal has brought up too many red flags.

In my mind, there are 3 obvious areas which are probably turn offs:

1.) They find my instagram feed, a feed saturated with overly edited, overly posey, wannabe model shots and the occasional cheesy caption. I'm guessing their first thoughts are along the lines of, 'bit full of herself', to 'christ, she's a soulless, vacuous, wannabe instagram model with a bit of a narcissist complex, isn't she?' - I reckon that's strike one.

2.) They then head over to the blog, to find many a post documenting my struggle with clinical depression and anxiety. Reads that I've had lots of counselling and am on anti-dps. Warning signs! A girl with a loooottttt of issues alert! Perhaps I'm being unfair here, but to be completely honest, I think I'm simply being brutally realistic. Let's face it, mental health issues are a lot. They're a lot for the people coping with them, and their a lot for the people who have to pick up the pieces too. Dating a girl with an emotionally draining illness is never a plus, is it? Then, on top of that, we have the issue of oversharing. Ah. Documenting such personal issues on the world wide web seems incredibly attention seeking, self-indulgent and 'woe is me' to people who simply don't get it. So, with that, I'm going to count this as strike two.

3.) On top of all the mental health posts, we have many a post about insecurity, about not feeling pretty, about the need for validation (of course, all alongside lots and lots of photos of myself, I might add!). Now I wouldn't actually judge anyone for thinking this is all just a bit of a ploy to give the ego a good old stroke. I also wouldn't judge someone for thinking that this is all a bit much. A bit too melancholy and depressing, a bit too much hard work. Because it is. I know because I'm living it. I mean, I'm surprised if many make it this far - I'm sure quite a few tap out around phase 2 - but if that didn't kill them off, then this certainly will.

And then, a bonus 4 - because I think I've been a little too harsh on our male counterparts up until this point. I realise that everything I have said so far makes boys seem like emotionally unintelligent dickheads, and that's not my intention (well, not really). So, strike 4 goes, in part, with number 1. The nature of fashion blogging precipitates a fundamentally false perception of confidence - confidence, that I think can often be intimidating to potential suitors. Perhaps they assume that we are looking for a very similarly fashion savvy partner? Perhaps they think for us its all about image? I'm sure there is often a mistakenly false understanding of us having overly superficial tastes. Perhaps it's all simply too much to understand.

Then we have the problem of the image of the 'perfect girl' that is pushed by society. Now, I usually hate using that term, because after all, we are society, and we all, knowingly or not, perpetuate beauty standards and stereotypes. We're told that every guy wants us to be ‘the cool girl’, to be ‘one of the boys’, to be the ‘confident, sexy one’. To be the 'fun one'. Outgoing, adventurous, spontaneous. There are a whole lot of words here that I would never, ever, ever use to describe myself. Confident? Nah. Outgoing? No way. Sexy? Don't make me laugh. I'm betting that wouldn't make a very compelling tinder bio, though. 

So, we end up selling a false image of ourselves, to pretend to be the girl that we believe all guys want us to be. Cue a whole other issue of imposter syndrome complex. But that's a tale for another fucking day. Insecurity is often deemed the ultimate turn off, but every time I hear that being said. I get pissed off. Because fundamentallyI can’t help that that’s who I am, but I know that that statement is simply brutal honesty. 

I chatted, in my previous post, about 'faking it til you make it', about faking confidence and how it works. I have found people have been a lot more interested in me since I've started to act 'confident'. And it's aroused so many mixed feelings in me, because of course, although you become more grateful for the attention, I also feel like I'm not being myself, and I feel exhausted at having to pretend. Romantic relationships also require a closeness that means that there will be vulnerability. It means that if you are 'faking it til you make it', you're bound to be found out, as you become closer and when they do discover the 'real me' they're bound to discover a fuck load of issues, and ultimately, will that be the biggest turn off? 

The standard, that we, as women, are expected to reach, becomes more and more unattainable. However many body posi and self-acceptance movements we see, the beauty standard essentially remains the same, and whether we admit to it or not, we all still aspire to it. We all want to be skinny. Girls continue to pump their faces with juvaderm. Let's not pretend that this is anything other than trying become a type of desirability that we see as most celebrated by society. The 'naturally pretty, girl next door' image that continues to be forced down our throats across social media. We are told that guys want someone who is ‘naturally pretty’ and not high maintenance, sporty but feminine, curvy but not flabby - trying to keep up with all these expectations becomes exhausting, and we are simultaneously preached at, told to: 'just be yourself’. This, fundamentally, becomes bullshit advice if the one question that consumes you mind is, 'what if 'myself' really isn’t good enough?' Where do you go from there? 

Christ, us girls are complicated enough as it is, aren't we? And then some of us go and throw mental health issues into the mix.

I’m under no illusion of how draining mentally ill people can be. We often need reassurance, space, a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen, attention, sometimes all those things at once. And it’s hard to explain to others exactly what you need, and what’s happening, when so often, you don’t really understand it yourself. 

And then I think, there is so much choice! There are so many beautiful girls, emotionally uncomplicated, without baggage, that I fail to see why anyone would invest their time and energy in me. 

I know that there is a lot more to me than what is presented online. A lot more to me than the clothes and makeup and bullshit. A lot more than the insecurity and negativity and mental health issues. But I can't escape the fact that these are aspects of me, nonetheless, and often, these are the ones that are presented first. 

I think I’m an ok person. I'm trying to be a good one. I am empathetic, I care a whole lot, I have a sense of humour, I am smart, I am passionate and I am dedicated.  

But I am also stubborn, I am moody, I am embarrassingly insecure, I am awkward. - all the things we are told are undesirable in women. And then, to top it all off, I go and spew it all online for the whole world to see. Smart move, Eves. 

I’m ok with being by myself. I joke a lot about finding love and my unluckiness in love, but deep down, I know I’m really ok. I’ve never depended on unhealthy romantic relationships for validation, and I’m proud of myself for that. I may have a whole lot of issues with validation, but I certainly have enough self-worth and respect to realise that unhealthy relationships will only cause more pain. 

But I do wonder, will I ever be ‘good enough’, will I always be too much hard work, too difficult to understand? 

People often say, ‘you won’t be able to love another until you love yourself’ and I find this very difficult to grapple with. I have never ever been in a comfortable place of self-love, and I don’t know that I will ever get there - it's still a journey that I am on. If I do, then that day is way off. But I have a whole lot of love to give. I know that I have a big heart. Is that enough? And ultimately will anyone ever be willing to accept me, emotional bullshit and all, and think that it’s worth it?

I guess only time will tell. 

Until next time, 

Bisous <3




Top: Fuchsia Shaw
Trousers: Topshop
Bag: c/o New Look*
Slides: ChloƩ

What's your opinion?