AN ODE TO THE UNREQUITED CRUSH

Friday, 29 September 2017 Lonely Hearts Club, Heartbreak Hotel, Ugly Avenue







So, we've all been there.... I hope. Not because I wish bad on you but because it'll make me feel an awful lot better if I knew I wasn't the only one who has suffered this predicament. 

And what I'm talking about is that someone (or perhaps multiple people, as is in my case LOL). The one that got away, but that you never really had in the first place. 'The Unrequited Crush', if you will. 

What starts off as thinking someone is pretty hot in your afternoon lecture turns into only making it to your 9ams in the hope that said someone is there, and of course, this turns into glancing far too often in their direction any time you're in their oh-so-perfect presence. 

Before you know it you're desperately trying (and failing) to suppress your inner A (shoutout to all my disappointed PLL fans out there!). But in no time at all, you have that stalker hood placed firmly over that stupid head of yours, and you're beginning to piece together the life of your future husband. I mean boyfriend. I mean friend. I mean, is there any way that this becomes at all acceptable?!

Flash forward a couple of weeks and you're 468 pictures deep in the old Facebook archives, discovering that he also had braces back in '09, but mannn did he glow up. Now the perfect height to compliment you in heels. Aw, I didn't know he wore glasses! Similar sense of humour = bonus. Ooohhhhh a Lauryn Hill fan... interesting, another bonus point. Nice family, wonderful! I wonder if they'd like me? ...


And if you've reached that point, well my friends, suddenly you'll begin to realise that you are totally, totally fucked. 

Yep, chances are you're half way up shit creek and of course you've got no paddles. 

There's only one road from here, and it's not the most dignified. But time and time again we choose to take it anyway. Why I ask, why?! 



So here folks, are the 5 things you've probably done when crushing hard: 

The Overthink
So your heart is set firmly on this boy, and now you're mentally going over every single meeting, conversation and interaction the two of you have have shared in search of romantic overtones, to work out whether there could be a chance that the feelings are mutual. Pahhhhhh yeah right, but you'll do it anyway. This will often be accompanied with 'the romanticise'. And by that I mean, remember when you two were sitting across the room for each other and you thought for a minute that you locked eyes? Well, in reality he was staring at the clock directly behind you, but you'll remember it the first way anyway. You'll probably romanticise your first ever meeting, so it begins to resemble something out of a fucking disney movie. You'll remember it as awkward, but cute. Awkwardly cute, I guess. But really, it was just awkward. When I first saw a 'crush' I definitely scurried into my first ever lecture 5 minutes late, a flustered, sweaty mess, donned in an obnoxiously oversized bow in my hair, frilly socks and leather trousers, slightly too noisy clippy-cloppy brogues, and a full face of very badly applied slap sliding down my face. I may as well have had lipstick on my teeth and my knickers tucked into a skirt it was that shit. lol. Of course, the only free seat happens to be next to the crush. And you know what, it might have been a romantic first meeting, if we had got together. But we didn't. So it's not. It's just shit shit shit. Lol. You know what? 9 times out of 10, he's not even going to know your name. We ladies do have a tendency to want the ones we really can't have. Perhaps he's a few social stratas higher than you, not on your 'level' (loooool). And wow does that feel like you've been slapped with a wet kipper. There you are planning your future life together and you're not even on his radar LOL! There's definitely no romanticising that, but of course, we won't be accepting that. 

The Social Media Stalk
 Now the crush is firmly established, you're in it for the long haul, so naturally you'll be indulging in a few more stalking sessions, just in case you missed anything the first 12 times. You're in dangerous territory now, folks. I mean, once you're on this stage, it's pretty much game over for you. Be prepared to fall really quite deeply ... in 5, 4, 3...
You see a picture of him and his mum and think, aww she looks as though she'd be such a wonderful mother-in-law. Him and an ex (pfffttttt, she ain't got nothing on me you mutter whilst silently weeping into your bowl of crunchy nut and cursing the fact you were born with that face) just me? Ok kl. 
Scroll some more, 'Christ, he looks good in a suit...' personally, if if I see any crush wearing a bow tie, he's effectively impregnated me already. (LOL)



The Shooting of the Shot
A phrase coined by my good friend, this, girls, is your first stage of bravery. The registering of interest. The chirpse. So you've plucked up the courage to ask him out for a drink? Honey, you're about to shoot your shot. But bloody hell, girl, if you are asking this guy out for a drink, wow do you have balls of steel, I salute you. I can assure you that I will never be so brazen. No, me shooting my shot is drunkenly liking a bunch of Facebook photos and expecting the guy to take that as a strong hint that I like him, and thus proceed to ask me out on a date. That's right, he does the asking, I do the playing hard to get - good and proper, as it should be. Of course, when that dream scenario fails to occur and you're left in bewilderment, wondering how your so blatant shot has not been well received, you're more than likely about to fall into...

The Drunk Text
Please Note: may also be accompanied by the drunk heart to heart and the drunk cry, and if you're really unlucky, the drunk phonecall. 
 See, there may be a point at which you decide it's time to shoot your second shot, a 'just in case he didn't get the message the first time around' shot, if you will, and this will usually be whilst drunk. One minute you're all like 'yeah let's text him netflix and chill it'll be bants' in the smoking area of the club, and next minute you're all up in your feelings with your pals, curled up in a ball having a drunk cry outside Sainsbury's. As we all know, no good decision has EVER been made whilst drunk, so I'd advise one to ABORT ABORT ABORT. 
But I already know you would've completely ignored that advice anyway so solidarity for the inevitable regret you felt the day after. Unless you were presently surprised and your feelings were reciprocated - in that case, fuck you, I cannot stand the 0.9% who actually get a good result out of the drunk text, that's not how it works, you should be ridiculously embarrassed and hanging your head in shame like the rest of us. Extra solidarity if they completely air your message the next day (I relate.. quite deeply. Lol!)



The Tinder Validation Phase
Warning: Proceed at your own risk. Now you've been pied by your one true love and future husband, I'm gonna guess that you're feeling rather shitty. Low self esteem levels will very from 'I'll take a day to watch the notebook and eat dominos' to 'when can I get admitted into the nearest ugly home'. I'll usually be half sobbing half belting out 'Why Don't You Love Me' by BeyoncĂ©, but of course, not looking as glam as Miss Bey in her heartbroken state. Nope, I'll probably be warbling away under my duvet, smothered in sudocrem with a box of brownies at my side. There's therefore a high chance that you'll be tempted to enter the murky world of online dating to provide that much needed ego boost and validation from strangers online. Probably not your finest hour, and I suspect you're swiping right for just about anyone, but at least you're getting matches, so perhaps you'll hold that place at the ugly home. 

The Acceptance 
Is this really an actual phase that exists? Like honestly, people get pied and one day they're ok with it? No hard feelings? No saltiness? It is a phase I have yet to fully experience (lol). Sure, I'll move on and get over it, but surely we're always slightly salty. Just a little bit? But nonetheless  I suspect acceptance is one of 3 things:
  1. Denial. So it may not have worked out today, but you're pretty sure you'll be living in that cute little country house with 3 kids, a dog and a tortoise in 10 years time, so let's just let fate take control, eh? You do you, he'll do him, and before you know it he will have screwed his head firmly back on, will leave his basic gf and declare his love for you, natch. 
  2. You tell all your friends you're over it, Christ, you've even managed to convince yourself you're over it, so allow yourself to fall prey to the inevitable 'haha you got pied' banter. Of course this is a ruse as you still secretly pine and indulge in the occasional social media stalk. Of course, at particularly testing times, such as when you realise you're the only single gal in your girl gang, you allow that rare salty tear to escape. This may evolve into a full on blubber when you realise he's moved on to someone new, yet you're still feeling blue. 
  3. You've actually gotten over that crush, realised that he's the one that lost out, and have moved on. I personally have yet to reach this advanced stage of girl boss enlightenment, but bravo to all you ladies who are there nonetheless! 

But you know what, let's end on a positive, eh? As humiliating and disheartening as young love can be, I think those crazy responses are something we grow out of. At some point, the old ego just can't take anymore beating, and your innate sense of self-dignity and self-preservation kick in. It's just as well; I'm so happy I've grown out of this stage, because the old cringe reflex of mine has had enough usage for a lifetime lol. And as for 'your man'. Well, they say 'there's plenty more fish in the sea', right? And hopefully we'll all find our bae without actually having to sign up to plenty of fish dot com. (Lol). But in all seriousness, that crush might have you feeling blue, lord knows no one enjoys that all too bitter rejection pill, BUT let's remember that we have time on our side, eh? And that indeed means it's time to be young, be foolish, and be happy. 


So channel your inner Lolita, throw on your shortest sundress and a pair of obnoxious shades, a slap of bright lipstick for a classic fruit punch lip, and a ridiculous yet stylish hairstyle. Then, be on your way. Life's too short to pine after boys that don't want you, and it's also far too short to not have fun with your fashion. 


Have you ever had an unrequited crush? Or multiple, as have I? (lol!) Let me know in the comments below!

Until next time, 
Bisous <3

Eva
xxx

OUTFIT DETAILS:
Dress: Topshop
Sunglasses: Forever 21 (similar here)
Trainers: Boohoo*

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